I Live In Billy's House

for nurse, who gave me love when i deserved it least



I Live In Billy's House


Was that the best that you could do; I’ll lie and cave if made to wait
Scrape dirty blade across my want, I should never have been out that late

Did I surely need to learn this lesson or were you just keen; much too willing
To teach it to me behind shadows to scratch your name, though I was stilling

Beneath your hand, beneath your rule night hangs above; I’ll never keep
All of my skin through this tribunal and countless nights that I shan’t sleep

Roses bright red inked ‘cross your back; never my friend but so much more
A lover, husband, keeper, God. My hands yours now - chained to the floor

You ask I’ll give though breath is worn, I feel your patience; not unlimited
Payment required is enormous. Final virtue you elicited

I call your name but you’re long gone for days I’ve dreamed and wilted so
Take all you need you always knew I’d give it up before I go

Mr Sleepy

Hey there dark eyes
You’ll never know
All the pain that you melt away

You’ll grow and the world around
Will change
Be strong and feel all of it

I’ll be here even when
I’m not.
That might be soon

Though I smell you on me
The need to leave
Presses my hand; presses at the back of my neck

Tiny toes and fingers -
You are my blood;
You’re in my blood

Envy and guilt that drains
From my tangle of veins
Soft skin of your ears, do you hear the love I profess?

You’ll find victory and light wherever
You seek it
Breathe in now and let your heart beat

I am sure of your guidance
And the true circle
That encompasses you; always will

You’re all I ever needed and I’m sorry
If I’m not here
When you wake — I couldn’t help but let go

Make an Example of Me

hiatus over, insomnia continues

All the words and the ink and the marks
That can’t be read but show up nonetheless
Maybe I thought of you, and I had wanted to see you there
In the shadows and the curtains; in the darkened corners
As I inevitably shattered into the million pieces that I
Had never really been holding together
I admit I did forget, not just the quiet form darkening my doorway
But all the waiting and the lows that were enough
To force hopelessness down my throat
I slipped free of my chains only to discover
Myself; just as fouled and weak as I always imagined
Those pieces flew up off me — had they been bats in the night
All along. What am I made of. Hedonistic shreds and
The darkening bruises of indiscretion
Imprudence so grand that the fallen one himself would blush
I came to this place quietly and I will leave just the same
I am not transformed, but unleashed.
Pulled at the edge of this tether for far too long
The tight circle of my allowance that might have held
If it weren’t for the fact that I am the serpent, the apple,
And the sin
Salvation be a lie, just like the ones I told myself
When you knew all along, you knew the truth
Before I forged my own and now don’t I look the fool
Feathers ruffled and skin broken open in all the soft,
Pale places where I pressed my own knife, unable to stop
I stare out across this glacial silence and realise that
We were out of time before we started
Away from home, the trees looked different and it was
Too late to pay all that I owed, I found words were worth nothing
And the storm that I weathered couldn’t rage on
I had convinced myself that nothing would be as harrowing
As the beginning that we both endured; that first breach;
That inceptive, brutal perforation
How often I am wrong

By the Same Name

Lo! There you are
I thought I’d lost you
Maybe hoped or perhaps prayed

Thought I’d left
Your spell in broken pieces
On the dirty floor

But here we are
I know your face
Didn’t outrun you in the woods

Didn’t survive you
On the sea, didn’t
Escape you ‘cross the dunes

Your creeping fingers
Made of black and
All the truths you torture with

Come flooding back
I hear the knock, but it’s
Too late, you’ve pushed inside

Old friend, you say
Touch my shoulder and take
A seat upon my bed

Maybe I always knew you’d come
Back to me when
I had but calmed

Back to our bond, and
Our dark corners
Back where we lay for o’ so long

And then much farther
Beyond purchase
That I have made; I’d come so far

Have you no pity
No moderation?
Will you test me once again?

My quickened blood
My cracked control
Eyes cast upon your curling smile

I feel it now
I’m stretched too thin
Already dead, I knew your name

I watched you slip
Into my dreams, and you
Grew huge: Leviathan

I’ll watch you bring me down
Again, I’ll watch as you watch it
All burn

Brother

this heat has fed my new-found addiction. dear God, save some forgiveness for me....


Brother


And I dreamt of your death woken quick in the night
But seemed day for sunshine, sweat-slicked skin ‘neath the light
Pondered grace and past self, stumbled through glass-black street
Hope shall stars twinkle less for now my end be meet.

Follow with you and your chance; render peace ‘midst this swarm
Enemies blind and lost, we shall rise, thin our storm
Life-hot tears crack me open, long for done though remain
These our promises be broken and our futures all but wane.

I have wont to worry of you and such child-like selfishness
Same moment, cast my soul toward Oblivion; heart enormous.
Sick with need, skin foul pallid, sticky cold and all undone
Such that you were, and are, above it and your better is to come.

With fettered limbs hung in temperance honesty quiets all our words
But fat lenses prove to damper calls of flighty, wing-clipped birds
And this worry be it useless, and this rusted, worthless frame
No cut true, for us be liars and our shared fear nought but shame.

O’ your sister; that I am. Cemented here, unmoved. Benumbed.
Remembering that happiness so surely spanned, crested love’s drum
All of your smile and dark-framed face, we missed you so, though time passed clean
For when I saw all fate become, as easy task to fit between.

Untitled [03.11.14]

You test me with malice ‘gainst the rough anchored ground
To surrender me to knees believing I am unbound
By the words that defile, by quick stabs to my chest
But it’s such turning change for I know you have messed,




What you’d thought was pure eat, steady hand touch my lung
Push the skin back to open. Let bee in, and be stung.
All your wars won’t be won and your tests I can’t pass
What was said shan’t be un’, not with my face through the glass.




And those keys you’d give me, though use gone: pointed loss
Doors I see up, down, far. Pined need cold; what the cost?
Money, gold, silver, blood. You’ll take pulse upon pound
‘Till you’ve sated the black want and I end, trapped; turned ‘round.




Drained but still to the hilt, longing stale. Envious.
Eyes so glassy, pushed, pressed you. Feel me now, insidious
Though that moon looms above, past is done, find this middle
I’ve come just to seek you, meet the source of cruel ripple.

Lady Fingers Shot Me Down

literally written by candlelight, the night before my last day perhaps


A crack of doom
and endless wasted
wait, for moon
My will protested

Fell down these steps
eyes blind fumbling
Tripped catch cut next
was torn from limb

A goat you need
I'm here, I'll sing
Blood mess will breed
Staunch bottom King

Still time beat breathe
Hands trussed in penance
Grin bare beneath
burnt ashy remnants

Sting of the whip
brash green sin's token
Warm crimson lines
Payment unspoken

Example made
on hands and knees
Shines silver blade
Hot shame, beg please

Hand pressed to jaw
contempt runs rife
They scream, rut, claw
put end to life

Such burning blame
with want for hold
Push, yield, play games
Your shape to mould

Ruined and stripped
Sleep take such mind
Wings caught, held, clipped
This; you designed.