I Live In Billy's House

for nurse, who gave me love when i deserved it least



I Live In Billy's House


Was that the best that you could do; I’ll lie and cave if made to wait
Scrape dirty blade across my want, I should never have been out that late

Did I surely need to learn this lesson or were you just keen; much too willing
To teach it to me behind shadows to scratch your name, though I was stilling

Beneath your hand, beneath your rule night hangs above; I’ll never keep
All of my skin through this tribunal and countless nights that I shan’t sleep

Roses bright red inked ‘cross your back; never my friend but so much more
A lover, husband, keeper, God. My hands yours now - chained to the floor

You ask I’ll give though breath is worn, I feel your patience; not unlimited
Payment required is enormous. Final virtue you elicited

I call your name but you’re long gone for days I’ve dreamed and wilted so
Take all you need you always knew I’d give it up before I go

Mr Sleepy

Hey there dark eyes
You’ll never know
All the pain that you melt away

You’ll grow and the world around
Will change
Be strong and feel all of it

I’ll be here even when
I’m not.
That might be soon

Though I smell you on me
The need to leave
Presses my hand; presses at the back of my neck

Tiny toes and fingers -
You are my blood;
You’re in my blood

Envy and guilt that drains
From my tangle of veins
Soft skin of your ears, do you hear the love I profess?

You’ll find victory and light wherever
You seek it
Breathe in now and let your heart beat

I am sure of your guidance
And the true circle
That encompasses you; always will

You’re all I ever needed and I’m sorry
If I’m not here
When you wake — I couldn’t help but let go

Make an Example of Me

hiatus over, insomnia continues

All the words and the ink and the marks
That can’t be read but show up nonetheless
Maybe I thought of you, and I had wanted to see you there
In the shadows and the curtains; in the darkened corners
As I inevitably shattered into the million pieces that I
Had never really been holding together
I admit I did forget, not just the quiet form darkening my doorway
But all the waiting and the lows that were enough
To force hopelessness down my throat
I slipped free of my chains only to discover
Myself; just as fouled and weak as I always imagined
Those pieces flew up off me — had they been bats in the night
All along. What am I made of. Hedonistic shreds and
The darkening bruises of indiscretion
Imprudence so grand that the fallen one himself would blush
I came to this place quietly and I will leave just the same
I am not transformed, but unleashed.
Pulled at the edge of this tether for far too long
The tight circle of my allowance that might have held
If it weren’t for the fact that I am the serpent, the apple,
And the sin
Salvation be a lie, just like the ones I told myself
When you knew all along, you knew the truth
Before I forged my own and now don’t I look the fool
Feathers ruffled and skin broken open in all the soft,
Pale places where I pressed my own knife, unable to stop
I stare out across this glacial silence and realise that
We were out of time before we started
Away from home, the trees looked different and it was
Too late to pay all that I owed, I found words were worth nothing
And the storm that I weathered couldn’t rage on
I had convinced myself that nothing would be as harrowing
As the beginning that we both endured; that first breach;
That inceptive, brutal perforation
How often I am wrong