Puppy
I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too
Florence and the Machine — Dog Days
Puppy
“You alright?” It was Josie at the desk that faced his.
San looked up over the partition. “Hmm?”
She raised a brow. “You look like you just saw a ghost.”
He shook his head and looked back down at his computer screen. The docx file was highlighted on his screen. He hadn’t been working on that before lunch. “Was someone here before I got back?”
Josie looked around, thinking. “Nah, I don’t think so. Why?”
San ignored her question. “Did you go out on lunch?”
“Nope. Too much bullshit today. But I did have my headphones in.” She shrugged and seemed to decide that she was done with the conversation.
It was a private file for the article that san hadn’t submitted yet. It was on a usb instead of the system because he wanted to research more before finalising it. He reached around behind the screen and felt the usb; warm. He took it with him.
The rest of the office was fairly emptied out for lunch still. san walked between the cubicles towards the outdoor seating, eyeing those who were at their desks.
There were only a few smokers outside but he went to the corner next to a tree and looked out from the balcony. The sky was grey and threatening to rain. san pulled out his phone and switched email accounts to the corporate one. The last sent message was to a recipient he didn’t know — tna89@gmail.com — it wasn’t a corporate address. And there was an attachment.
He frowned. Three months of work. Someone had taken it, but maybe they wouldn’t be able to get past the security. His stomach churned.
~~~
san returned to his desk and turned his phone over and over in his hand, thinking. He eventually dialled. “Billy.”
“My man! How you been bro?” as usual, too much energy from his friend.
“Business call.”
A pause. “Yeah, hit me.”
“Is it possible —“
Billy cut him off. “Better not end up with my hands behind me.”
“You know we only do that for fun, William.” A joke. san was trying to relax. “Can you find out who owns an email address?”
“Fuck, that’s a tough one man. Aim?”
“Something was taken and I need it back.”
“Ominous.”
“It’s important Billy.”
“Hmm. Why not just email them back if you already know the address?”
“That would involve bargaining.” san felt a headache brewing.
“Right. You got enemies or something?”
san licked his lip and thought. “No.” And then, “they’re probably still here.”
“What? In your building?”
“My best guess.”
Billy was silent for a moment. “You think they’d be near you.”
“Yes.” san wasn’t certain but it was worth a try, whatever Billy was thinking. He could hear typing on the other end of the phone.
“Alright. I’m going to send three random emails to that address with only a few seconds in between. Hopefully they have notification sounds turned on.”
san stood up from his desk and looked around, waiting.
Bing.
Bing.
Bing.
“Have I ever told you I love you Billy?”
~~~
“Have you heard?” Josie was always poking her head over that damn partition.
san blinked out of his thoughts. “What?”
“One of the interns.”
He shrugged.
~~~
san unlocked the door and put his shit on the kitchen bench. The Christmas lights were already on but he could see the other faint light creeping out from under the basement door. What to do now?
The lock on the basement door was unnecessary, considering. He shifted it and walked down the stairs.
The kid startled as soon as he heard the footsteps.
san was silent and bit his lip while he thought. The kid had not turned out to be as expected. Anton Kepner. 26. Portland. Organ donor. Less than fifty bucks in his wallet. Size eight shoe. Expensive belt. No wedding ring.
“Where’s my phone.”
san took off his watch. “It speaks.”
The kid — the guy — Anton, he glared.
“Don’t worry, all your stuff is safe.”
“Am I?”
“We’ll see.” San blinked and his eyes flicked to the chains that held Anton’s wrists.
“Don’t worry,” the kid mimicked. “I’ve already tried them.”
san bristled. “I’m making dinner. I’ll be back. You’re close enough to the toilet, don’t piss on the floor.”
~~~
There was too much time in the kitchen for thinking. He needed to get rid of the file and any evidence it was ever sent. He needed to get rid of the kid. Decisions had been made that couldn’t be unmade.
The temperature was dropping as san made his way back down the stairs and slid the bowls on a tray over to Anton. Eggs, ham, a bowl of chicken soup. He also had a blanket that he laid down just close enough for the kid to reach. He heard the tray drag across the hard ground.
“Why does this mean so much to you?” Anton asked in the dim light.
“Why does it mean so little to you?”
~~~
Josie. Of course. “You’re early today, san.”
He ignored her gaze over the partition. “Are you ever not early?”
She ignored him right back. “They still haven’t found that intern.”
“Hmm?”
“The one I was telling you about the other day. Anton something.”
“Right. Don’t think I ever met him.”
Josie sniffed. “Weird. I heard he was all bricked up trying to work alongside you.”
san frowned. “With me?”
“Sure.”
“Work on what?”
“I dunno. Smithy said it was some kind of secret project.” Josie was grinning now.
san felt his jaw clench. “There is no secret project. Also, don’t say ‘bricked up’. Crass doesn’t suit you.”
~~~
He took the basement steps down and found Anton curled under the blanket. The kid was slowly waking up. “Will you ever turn off these lights?” Anton asked.
“You knew about my project? That’s why you stole the file?”
The kid cleared his throat. “I…”
san sat on the bottom step and slid a plate of rice porridge over toward the chains attached to the wall. “Don’t let it get cold.”
Anton took what seemed to be a shaky breath before grabbing the bowl and lifting the spoon to his mouth. He was thin, with clean skin, and had a small cross hanging around his neck.
“You’re not from the city.” san didn’t know why he was trying to make conversation.
Anton stalled from his spoonful. “Thailand.”
“Weird name, then.”
“It’s not my real name.”
san tongued his cheek. “Why did you send it from my corporate account? Seems reckless.”
The kid’s button through was half undone and it was hard not to notice. “I was running out of time and that bitch Josie could have looked up at any moment.”
“Didn’t you think I’d find out.”
“I wasn’t thinking anything at that point.”
san felt his ears prickle in the cold. “I’ll get you another blanket.”
Anton only blinked and went back to his rice.
~~~
The stairs took forever to climb but san knew that was only perception. His skin was goose-pimpled and clammy. What was that ache in the bottom of his stomach?
He found an old mat in the closet along with another blanket and a stained pillow. They would do.
Back down the stairs. The kid had finished his bowl.
“Here.” san walked over this time, closer, and laid out the mat. “It will be cold tonight.”
The kid’s foot came out and caught him. Straight to the hard floor. san’ head hit hard.
Anton was quickly on top of him, straddling, hands everywhere, searching.
san groaned, he knew what the kid wanted. The key. “I don’t have it. I don’t have the key you fool.”
“Fuck!”
They were both breathing fast.
“Just let me go. Does it even matter anymore?”
San took a shuddered breath and pushed the kid over, rolling on top of him. “It matters to me.” He leaned down close and held a hand around Anton’s throat. “It always mattered to me.”
Their kiss was all heartbeats and the rattle of chains.
Anton didn’t pull away at first but then he bit down on San’s lip. “Get off me!”
A push, a scuffle, and they were apart. san recoiled and smacked his hand on the balustrade of the basement staircase. “Ah! Damn it.”
The kid was flushed. “I…I’m not like that.”
san could taste blood on his lip. “I’ll bring you some water to wash.”
Anton sat up. He was clearly embarrassed. “Can’t I just shower, you have a shower right? It’s been four days.”
~~~
san spent most of the morning sipping tea at his desk and working on his article. He could hear Josie tip-tapping at her keyboard on the other side. She eventually poked her head up. san closed his eyes but the inevitability of it hadn’t eluded him.
“They still haven’t found that intern.”
“What intern?”
Josie rolled her eyes. “The one I was telling you about. Like two days ago? Do you even listen to me?”
No. “Oh. Well, I didn’t know him. I don’t know any of the them.”
“Them?”
“The interns.”
Josie almost blushed. “Well…me neither. I’m just saying.”
“Saying what?” san knew better but he couldn’t help himself. What was she saying…
She looked confused. “I mean, he was desperate for you to be his mentor. I figured you knew him.”
What? This was news to him. “I didn’t. I don’t.”
Josie frowned. “Weird.”
“I have to go. I’ll see you in the morning.”
As san quickly grabbed his bag and headed for the elevator he heard Josie behind him.
“But it’s only half ten!?”
~~~
The kid was asleep. (Is this repetition?)
“You never asked me.” san was sitting on the bottom step in the basement.
Anton slowly blinked awake. “What?”
“Don’t say what say pardon.”
“What am I asking? Other than to let me out of these fucking chains.”
san put the bag of food on the ground and slid it over. He watched Anton’s jaw clench.
The kid opened the plastic and peered inside at the stir-fry and crackers. His eyes narrowed and he leant back against the wall. “Ask for food?”
“Ask me to be your mentor.”
The kid lowered his eyes.
“I didn’t even know you four days ago, and then you steal my work? I don’t get it.”
The silence was almost unbearable.
“I had read your stuff before I applied.” The kid looked up, “I wanted to write like you, be like you.”
san took a breath and let it out. “Flattering. Hardly an explanation.”
More silence.
San
“Fine.” San ascended the stairs once again.
~~~
He locked the basement door behind him and put the kettle on, pocketing the key. He should have bought some food for himself, realising only now that his stomach was grumbling.
Hi phone rang as he was pouring the tea. “Billy.”
“Duuuude! You didn’t ever get back to me.”
San stirred in some sugar and milk. “Get back to you?”
“Yeah man. About that random email address. You did say you loooooooved me.”
“And I always will.” A pause.
“So?”
“So. It was just some bullshit.”
“Ah, so you’re not going to tell me.”
“Worked itself out in the end.”
“Come down to The Rabbit Hole tonight. The old crew will be there. Not to mention I haven’t seen you in person for like two months.”
San watched the steam rise from his mug. “I have stuff to do.”
A sigh on the line. “You always have stuff. I know you’re working on that big article but one night can’t hurt, right?”
“Mmm. Perhaps.”
Billy scoffed. “I’ll take a perhaps over a no. But…in other news and completely unrelated, I heard about that dude from your work who went missing.”
San almost dropped his tea. “Uhh, yeah.”
“I heard they still can’t find him, like he dropped off the edge of the earth.”
“The earth has no edges.”
“The Rabbit Hole, 8PM, be there or be someone who I harass until there’s a restraining order.” The call went dead.
~~~
San put his tea on the counter, pulled up a chair, and opened his laptop.
Anton Kepner. The facebook profile was public. Photos. Mostly landscapes. Some with friends, male and female. Well, what San assumed were friends. Cat videos. Nothing much else. The kid was attractive. Dark hair, almost black. Dark eyes, almost black. Skin the colour of coffee. Anton Kepner.
San scrolled and scrolled until his phone dinged.
Billy: we’re here now, i’ll order you some food?
Shit. San had forgotten.
San: yeah, something greasy, and get me a pint. i’ll pay.
He changed out of his work clothes into jeans and a sweater. Before he left he unlocked and opened the basement door just a crack, but the kid, with his dark hair, was asleep under the blanket. San closed and locked the door.
~~~
The boys were a mess by the time he arrived.
“San!” Billy was more than half cut. “I got you a pie and potatoes with corn.”
San tried to smile.
“Oh c’mon, don’t look so down.” Billy wrapped an arm around him and gestured to the food on the table that was surrounded by their mutual friends. ‘Friends’ being a loose term.
Fist bumps and high fives all around, shit that San had decided many years ago he fucking hated. But he owed Billy. At this point he just needed to keep his mouth shut. There was an intern chained up in his basement and perhaps now was the time to acknowledge to himself that things had become messy.
A few hours later they were all playing pool and San saw this as his out. “Billy, I gotta go home and get some sleep.”
His friend nodded. “I get it man. Thanks for being here, either way.” Billy’s eyes were glassy. “Come next time? Everyone likes it when you come.”
San hugged him and sharked it to the door.
~~~
He kicked his shoes off at the front door and hovered in the front entrance. Perhaps that last pint had been a mistake. Let’s put that in the fuck-it bucket.
He shouldn’t go down to the basement. Should he?
The lock opened easily. The keys were in his hand and the stairs didn’t even creak. San closed his eyes for a moment. Then he heard the kid stir.
“You can have a shower.”
“Right now?” Anton sat up on the mat. His shirt was fully unbuttoned.
“You smell.”
The kid rattled his chain on the cold floor. “I can’t reach.” He pointed to the small glass shower in the corner next to San’s work bench.
San shook his head. “No. I’ll bring the extension out. Stand there, over the drain.”
Anton hesitated.
“What?” San watched the kid scratch a hand through his hair.
“I…I won’t tell anyone.”
San couldn’t help his quiet laugh. It was probably the beer.
“I fucking swear.” The kid had started pleading now.
“Get up. Take your shirt off.”
Anton didn’t move from where he was sitting, chained against the wall. Was he sulking?
San tongued his cheek. “I thought you’d be well-behaved.”
There was a tense moment between them until finally Anton stood up and walked over to the drain. He held up his chained hands. “How can I take my shirt off?”
San ran the water to warm it up and lifted the extension snake. “Touché.” The soap from the basement shower was old and cracked but it would do. He stood in front of the kid, watching those dark, angry eyes. “No need to make this difficult.”
Anton was stone. San saw the kid’s ears twitch and couldn’t help his own small grin.
“Close your eyes, the water is warm now.”
“I’d rather keep them open.” Scared?
San felt his breath catch, just a little. “But it’s dealer’s choice.” He reached up and put his free hand around the kid’s neck/throat. He felt Anton swallow and watched as his eyes closed. “That’s it, puppy.”
The water trickled through dark curls and down over the kid’s soft lips, his chest, soaking into his open shirt. San felt like he could drown in that water. This wasn’t what he had intended but it was all getting away from him. San pressed the fingers of his free hand into Anton’s waistband. He was expecting the kid to pull away but it was quite the opposite.
San let the extension snake fall to the ground and pushed Anton’s shirt back off his shoulders. The kid opened his wet eyes. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
“You shouldn’t have stolen from me.”
“I made a mistake.”
Was San about to make his own? Yes. He leaned in and pressed his lips to the kid’s neck, along his jaw, then to his mouth. That was drowning.
Anton let out a quiet moan and that was enough to push San past the point of no return. He pushed the kid until he was backed against the wall.
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“You keep saying that.” San pushed his hips into Anton’s and slid his hand down.
“What are you doing?” The kid’s body was betraying his words of protest. San could feel it against his thigh as he scraped his other hand down Anton’s chest.
“I promise…” the kid whimpered, but at the same time he closed his eyes and bit his lip.
San grinned silently. “And what is it that you promise, again?”
“I won’t tell.”
“How can I trust a thief?” San unzipped both their pants and let them fall to the cold ground.
“You could trust me. You could let my hands free.”
San pushed the kid to the cold floor and straddled him. “Not this time.”
~~~
Morning sun streamed through the open blinds. San woke to the pain of a scratch on his back. He moved and felt the wound break open. Jesus. Coffee and painkillers were in order.
Toast. Jam. Orange juice. Milky coffee. Two pills. And a glass of ice water.
Oh. Now he was remembering. Anton. The kid. The kid had let him take everything last night. Not really a fair trade, but Anton had stolen the article. San didn’t even know if the kid had submitted it. He hadn’t considered it when he choked the kid out in the corner of the car park. Sometimes it’s hard to see clearly.
He could have just killed him.
He could have just killed him right there.
He could have just killed him right there and nobody would have known.
But he didn’t know if the article was submitted. Was that the only reason?
Perhaps it was the dark hair, the skin, the way his button-through was hanging half out of his pants. Perhaps it was the gall. Perhaps it was the smell on him. San dragged a fingertip across his lips and downed his water. He put another piece of bread into the toaster.
~~~
The shower snake sat on the basement floor where he’d dropped it the night before. “Jam.” San held the plate up.
Anton was awake, sat against the wall, staring into nothing. “I don’t eat sugar.”
“Of course you don’t.” San placed the toast a few feet from the bottom of the stairs. “You have to eat. Should I make eggs?”
“I don’t want to eat. Especially anything of yours.”
A joke. San tongued the inside of his cheek. “Particularly contrary to last night.”
Did the kid blush?
San crossed his arms over his chest. “So that’s a no on the eggs?”
Silence.
“Did you submit it?”
Anton stared at his feet and let out a breath. “The article? Does it matter?”
“We’ve been through this before.”
“Would you even believe me?”
San bit his lip. “Probably not. Should I?”
“Isn’t it irrelevant at this point.”
“Eat. I have to go to work.”
~~~
San spent most of the day trying to work up the courage to ask his head of department if a particular article had been submitted. Would it be giving himself away?
The ring of his cellphone jerked him back to reality. “Hello?”
Billy’s voice was breathless. “You maniac, who answers the phone like that?”
San didn’t have time. “What do you want?”
“Eeesh, you’re an asshole. I just wanted to let you know some cops are snooping around down here. Something connected to that missing intern.”
San stiffened. “What does that have to do with me?”
“I got no fucken clue bro. But they’re looking at emails in and out.”
“Just keep your mouth shut.” San disconnected the call.
~~~
San left work early. He didn’t need to watch this thing burn to the ground. Whatever would happen would happen.
The house was quiet when he got back, as it usually was. He kicked off his shoes and hung his jacket on the hat rack. His breathing was too fast as he boiled the kettle. He let the tea brew while he waited with his hands in fists on the counter. What the hell was he doing?
The locked basement door called to him. San bit his lip and focused on the tea. Milk swirled and created a colour akin to Anton’s skin. Goddammit. Now he was drowning and he couldn’t get back to the surface.
San unlocked the basement door and dropped the key on the ground. Certain things could be dealt with later.
The stairs took but a moment. The kid seemed only half awake, sat on the ground with his hands still chained behind his back.
“Stand up.”
“Why?”
San couldn’t wait. He kneeled down and stole a kiss. “Because I said so.”
“Ahh! Stop.”
San ignored the kid’s protest. He lifted Anton and turned him to face the wall. Shame was a distant memory. A hand sliding down to the front of Anton’s pants. Yes. Sometimes you can’t lie.
San felt the kid back up into him, just a little. “Good puppy.”
It was hard and fast and San was spent quickly, to the point of embarrassment. He wiped himself off with his own shirt and crouched down to pull up the kid’s pants.
The sting didn’t register at first. A pain that didn’t exist, but then existed as if nothing else did. San fell back and pressed both hands to his eye. Perhaps he screamed. Legitimate words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. He could feel something thin and sharp with his fingers. A nail? Something from the basement floor? He wanted to pull it out but the fear was hot as boiling oil. He was sick on himself. All he could hear was the clinking of metal.
~~~
Anton didn’t know how much time he had. Perhaps he had made peace with the fact that he didn’t know anything anymore.
The guy’s face was covered in blood and sick, and he wasn’t moving. Anton crouched down backwards and squeezed his chained hands into the guy’s pockets, his waistband, the blood soaked button-through. Was there something around his neck? No. Nothing. Fuck.
Anton stood up and looked around the room/basement for the millionth time seeing only what he had already seen before.
The toothpick had been dumb luck. Fucking guy couldn’t keep his dick out of it, of course. Detrimental distraction. Anton had found it in the pocket of the guy’s discarded pants the night before. It just took the right moment.
But now?
The moment was done. The guy wasn’t moving. Probably shock. Anton pulled up his pants as best he could given his current circumstances. Didn’t really matter considering he was chained to a basement wall in a house he couldn’t describe in a suburb he didn’t know.
Anton took stock. No keys. No phone. No food. The guy didn’t bring anything helpful down here. Perhaps it was on purpose. All for that goddamn article. Both of their blood on the floor. A waste.
~~~
San couldn’t see out of his right eye. All he could taste was blood. Some of his fingers would move, given enough effort. Perhaps he was going to die on the floor of his own basement.
“Puppy?”
~~~
Anton sat back down in the same place he’d been sitting for however many days. He stared at the guy laid out on the floor in front of him. Was this defeat? Was this the end?
He had pulled on the chains only a million times. What was another million more?
The guy coughed up blood and said something incomprehensible. Anton didn’t want to play this game but what else was there to do?
“What?”
The guy tried to move.
“I wouldn’t do that.” Anton watched as the guy raised a hand and pulled the toothpick from his eye. The sounds uttered can/would never be repeated.
~~~
San might have screamed. He didn’t know if he was fully conscious. The nail, or whatever it was came out easily but now he was covered in wet hot slick. Maybe he asked for help, maybe he said some bad words, maybe his blood was all over him and his basement floor.
San swallowed. He tried to breathe.
~~~
Anton watched the guy. He tried to get his thoughts in order. What was most important?
“Where are the keys?”
The guy didn’t move but Anton could hear his rasped breath.
“The keys?”
Nothing.
“Seriously? You’ll let us both die here, on the floor?”
The guy didn’t open his eyes. “Yes, puppy.”
